NICU

After a bit of time, I was able to go to the NICU. It was a bit surreal. There was a collection of every conceivable piece of lifesaving equipment crammed into the space. The spaces were kind of like service bays. I was lead to Sara place in the big room. She was laying in an enclosed box with arm hole in the sides. The nurse began to explain the equipment. The clear box was to create a warm and humid space. The tubing was for the ventilator. The ventilator was a special one. It pulsed very quickly. Her chest really just vibrated, rather than the traditional up and down. This was because she was so small, and her lungs were not fully developed. She was surrounded by little stuffed animals. The staff lined the bassinet with small hand sized stuffed toys. The yellow duck is the one I recall the best. Sara's first and ultimately only toys. They showed me more about the room. They slid a rocking chair over to the bay where Sara lie, and encouraged me to sit. I settled in and started to adjust to being here. The nurse came back with another person who I recall was a physician assistant or a nurse practitioner. She began to explain about what Sara's condition was. Sara was very fragile. She had been born on the cusp of the survival. She had under developed lungs, and her other systems depended on the oxygen to continue to develop. The lungs were critical for Sara's survival. On a screen display at the end of the bed was the heartbeat, and the oxygen saturation reading.

I was comfortable with the technology. I worked in a hospital, and was very familiar with the meanings of these numbers. I was worried, scared, proud, and many other feelings. The technology helped me to anchor to a practical place where I could hold on. I just looked and looked at Sara. I think I was "seeing" her for the first time. I reviewed all of the parts of the bay and what did what. My world compressed to what was there. I did not think of work or anything outside of the room and the area around Sara. This is where I would exist for a long time. Even after we left this place, I existed here