A father's responsibility

There is a point in life when you are called to make decisions you never wish to have to make. The last morning was my time.

I awoke after a short nap and was called to the NICU. Sara was not doing well. The morning exam had shown that Sara had several problems that did not bode well. I was told it was just a matter of time. Sara's o2 sats had dropped back into the 40s. He had a class 4 bleed in her brain (a major stroke), and she had a pulmonary embolism (her lungs were to fragle and were breaking down). My Sara was dying.

The nurses asked if I wanted to hold her, and of course I said yes. They moved her outof the isolette and placed her in my arms. She was so tiny and so warm. I was holding my little girl. My living little Girl. I was so proud.

The nurses were providing artificial respiration with a small ambu bag. There is a certain understanding that you know without speaking. Sara was fading fast being out of the isolette. She was still connected to the monitor and the numbers were falling. It was clear that she was going to die. I was faced with the choice that only I can fully appreciate. I knew in that moment my decision would mean the life of my daughter. I wanted her to live and that was not going to happen.

I asked to nurse to stop the breathing for her, and disconnect the monitor.

Sara died in my arms.

My first thought was "this is what it means to be a father" I had put the desires I had for those extra few minutes aside to allow my daughter to rest. I let her go.

Even today writing this, tears are surfacing. I miss her terribly. I wish I had not had to make the choice. The doctors and nurses tried to reassure me that she was so close to death that I did not ... In a way it made me angry. As horrible as it is to stop care, and let a loved one pass, I felt like I had none what a father would have done for his suffering child. That does not stop the what ifs. What if I had waited a minute or five or 30? I can't answer that. Sara was very ill. Her problems were multiplying quickly.

I held Sara close and talked softly to her. She never moved after the nurse stopped the ambu bag. I can't even be sure when she died. She was alive when I started to hold her, and she wasn't when I handed her back to the nurse. Time and the world, everything lost it's meaning in those moments. I died inside. The World Stopped.